Four Years

At this time four years ago I was in a hospital, snuggled up with my five hour old baby girl. She showed up unexpectedly three full weeks early. I was lying in bed at home around eight in the morning, and all of a sudden it was like I was peeing everywhere. Without my doing it. Needless to say, my brain was all what the f***. As it turns out, roughly 10% of women have their water break without any sign of labor whatsoever. I was one those women! So we headed to my OBGYN, who confirmed yup, your water broke, and I got checked into the hospital.

Contractions didn’t show up until the afternoon, and at 1:22am on December 18th, my little miss was born! My memories/experience of birth are actually all good! I mean yeah, pain, but overall, nothing feeling like it was so horrific I couldn’t do it again. My hubs end of things however, not so much. I won’t get into the gory details but suffice to stay I kind of kept bleeding and didn’t stop. And apparently it was worrisome. I thank the amazing hospital team for not cluing me in a bit, as I had no idea this was happening and was in total joy land with my newborn.

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Just born!

Fun side story: We opted not to find out the sex of our baby, so when she was born I had no idea if she was a girl or a boy. The staff was preoccupied with that whole bleeding thing, so no one told me. I finally remember screaming, “Oh yeah, what is it, what is it?!” Nobody had even checked in all the commotion! So they had to unwrap her all to just to let me know – it was a beautiful baby girl. 🙂

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I remember being amazed at how tiny she was. That a living breathing human could be so small. When she started walking, it looked so silly because she was still so miniature! Like a living doll, just wandering around.

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My tiny girl! Also, we soon learned that there really is no ‘gender neutral’ colors haha. Babies are so androgynous, that unless they are head to toe pink, there is no way to immediately identify ‘female’.

Today, she is four. And a little firecracker. She amazes me constantly, with things she can do, words and phrases she says. She’s just such an intelligent little being. It’s amazing to think that I created her. That she started out as just a teeny tiny little gummy bear shaped blob, and has grown and flourished into such an amazing little person.

Happy Bday E

Seeing how she has changed over the years amazes me. And makes me a bit sad. Every parenting cliche about time flying once you have kids is so true. And sometimes I have serious mom guilt about it. As a stay at home mom, I am with my child nearly 24/7. Which I really do, truly adore. It’s the only career I’ve ever wanted, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But there are days where I snap at her when I shouldn’t, or yell despite all efforts to keep it together. Some days I get tired of playing pretend, or playing Pet Shop adventures. And I understand that’s normal. But then I remember that all too soon will come a time where she doesn’t want me around her 24/7, where she doesn’t want me to play with her anymore. And that can be a heartbreaking thought.

But, it also helps me keep things in perspective, and enjoy the time I have with her fully. Do I expect to be perfect? No. There will still be days where the last thing I want to do is play another round of princess tea party. But those days are few, and far between. For now, I’ll stick to embracing the little moments when I can. Relish the times she asks to snuggle in my lap, and melt with love when she randomly says, “Hey Mom? I love you.”, completely out of the blue.

Happy Birthday, my little wonder. 🙂

Links to the Past

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I missed last week’s weekend posts so there’s a lot to catch up on this week! Enjoy!

  • I need one of these Piggyback Riders STAT. It would make hiking trips with the little SO much easier, and she would love the view.
  • This article from the Frozen Moon about being an Anti-Mommy Mom sits near and dear to my heart. It’s long, but it covers the feeling that for her, being a mom isn’t enough – she has to be her own person too. I struggled with that (and the guilt that comes with it) around my daughter’s first birthday, and I can so relate to her post! A fave quote from it: “I want to BE a bigger picture, one where motherhood is just the part of the color scheme in the art of my life.” SO MUCH YES.
  • Minor confession: I have been SUPER disappointed with the Final Fantasy games since FFXII. (I’ve never played FFX, so I can’t judge those). This article about why it’s okay to (possibly) be excited about FFXV, and pretty much describes my exact feelings on the subject of FF.
  • The new trailer for Insurgent is up and I am actually really disappointed. Maybe it’s because I am always cynical about book-to-movie adaptations, but this was just a disappointment. I feel like it’s entirely catered to 3D, doesn’t actually give any sense of the story, and as far as I can remember (though it’s been awhile), this ‘scene’ has NOTHING to do with the book. I know it’s a teaser trailer, but really? Grumble frumble. Your thoughts?
  • One of my favorite YouTubers Mary Doodles has started a new series called How To Art! I know this may seem like a weird pick, as I consider myself pretty competent in the how-to-art department, but I love seeing other artists process and thoughts on the subject. I feel you can never have too much info on a subject you love. Part 1 and Part 2 are up, with more to come! I really like Part 1, and her thoughts on art in general.

And now, some spectacular Sailor Moon fan art.


AHHHHHHH! I am dying of joy over here. Art noveau is one of my favorite art styles, and this series by DA User eri-phyle is just spectacular!! Click her username to see her gallery, which has lots more individual Sailor Scout artwork.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Skipping Life In Photos this week to say Happy Mother’s Day!

Being a mum has been the most profound thing in my life so far, and it has packed my life with so much joy. It also brings a new found respect for my own mum, as my little goes through some trying stages (ahem, backtalk anyone? I swear she’s three going on thirteen sometimes. . .).

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Me and my mum circa 1988.

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22 years later, me and my little miss (in 2010 – she’s six days old in this picture)!

My mum and I have always been close, and me becoming a mum has only made us closer. She is the best Mimi I could ever ask for. Love you mum!

-Kayly

Thoughts On Passion

A few days ago, one of my favorite blogs Nerd In The Brain had a great post about personal passions. Besides emphasizing that taking time to nurture your passions as an adult is so important, she also asked the question, what are your passions? And it really got me thinking. Strap in for a big, long, personal post!

In the last couple years I’ve really made an effort to direct my life to where I want it to be. The first year of my daughter’s life was so incredible. Euphoric. I was completely swept up in being a mother. It became my life, 100% of the time. And around her first birthday I started to realize I missed all those other aspects of myself from pre-mommyhood. Which of course brought on an onslaught of guilt, and massive amounts of angsty journaling. Which led me to the conclusion that I needed to ‘rediscover’ myself, if you will. Reignite the passions I had prior to being a mom, and that it would be beneficial for my daughter to do so. I didn’t want her to grow up seeing me without any identity other than ‘Mom’. I want her to see all that I am, all that makes me a complete and whole person.

It was something I hadn’t really thought about in awhile until I read Nerd In The Brain’s post, and it got me thinking – what are my passions nowadays? Am I still nurturing them and fulfilling them? Well. . .

  • Art. That was the biggest thing I missed and felt I lost in my first year of Mommyhood. Back then realizing I hadn’t picked up a pencil in a year was actually a little heartbreaking. But, I got back on the horse and it’s one of the best decisions I ever made. I draw almost daily now, have pretty steady commission work, and in the first four months of 2014 did more artwork than I did in the entirety of last year. YAY!
  • Music. Music has always been such a huge part of my life. I remember growing up and having my dad sing me and my brother to sleep, and play piano and guitar for us. I have always loved to sing, and play piano too. Singing I have kept up with. The little miss and I have music playing all the time at home, singing and dancing like mad together. And I always sing in the car. As for piano, that’s taken a hit. It’s hard to admit that I haven’t touched my piano in over a year. Sigh. It’s one passion I really need to get back in touch with.
  • My family. It’s always been my dream to be a stay at home mum and raise a family, and I’m lucky enough to be living out that passion on a daily basis. I treasure it.
  • Writing. I think this is one that even a lot of my friends don’t know about. I actually love to write stories. I used to write like mad in high school. Even nowadays, I have ideas kicking around that I’d love to get down in writing. But I rarely do. And I don’t have a good explanation for why. Fear is a big factor. My own mind tends to work against me when it comes to writing. I almost immediately shoot down my own ideas when I start writing them – the inner voice becomes a very disheartening voice of self-doubt and ridicule, and generally stops me in my keyboard clicking tracks. But someday, I will overcome that and get something down on paper and finished. Just for me. Just to say I did it.
  • Being outdoors. I know this seems like an odd one, but as a kid I lived for playing outside. We spent most weekends I can remember hiking, camping, being out in the woods, climbing trees, taking walks. In high school my friends and I would play in the woods constantly. But after college, I was at a rather low point in my life, and spent nearly all my time indoors. Now that I have a daughter, I want her to be able to grow up relishing all the natural splendor around us. New Hampshire is a beautiful state, and has so much to offer. I want her to appreciate that. Since she’s been born we do so much outside as a family, and are doing more and more every year.

I’m actually really happy with where I am in my life right now which feels so good to say, especially knowing how discontent I was with myself just a couple years ago. I definitely still have progress to make on fulfilling my passions, but I think that’s a good thing.

I’m realizing just how therapeutic this post has been to write. When I started a blog, I was terrified about posting things on such a public forum. But I knew I eventually wanted it to be a place where I could be more comfortable talking about personal things, and I think I’m finally getting to that point. So I hope you don’t mind the wordy personal posts, as I think there will be more to come!

-Kayly