Back when I started this blog, I had the intention of writing a lot of personal posts. I wanted it to be a place where I felt comfortable sharing things about me that don’t come up in day to day conversation. But here I am, a year+ later, and I still haven’t written many posts I would consider personal.
I journal almost daily. It’s a way for me to keep all the anxiety ridden, over analytical, self deprecating thoughts at bay. Writing it out helps me. Getting it down, and out of my head is so therapeutic. And I want to be able to do some of that on my blog too. But so far, fear has held me back. The idea of talking about something personal in a public forum, even behind the mask of the internet is still scary for me. I worry about how people will view my opinions, even my writing.
So I figured what better way to start off a series of personal posts than the topic of fear?
I feel like fear affects so many different parts of my life, and I feel like I have no control over it. And I hate it. It manages it to worms it’s way in and fester; spreading itself further through my mind. And in so many ways, it holds me back from things.
I consider myself a confident person. I am happy with who I am and with the life I have made. Yet I loathe meeting new people. I terrifies me. I second guess everything about myself, every word that comes out of my mouth. I constantly think about what the other person thinks of me, and how they must think I’m weird, strange, off somehow. And the worst part is, I KNOW it’s completely irrational. And illogical. It’s like I’m two different people. Part of me knows that A: They probably aren’t thinking anything negative at all, and B: Why the fuck do I care if they are? I’m happy with me, that’s what counts! But fear overrides that. It just smashes the logic down into the depths, and hops in the drivers seat of my psyche. Which is incredibly frustrating.
And it isn’t just meeting new people.
It’s the reason I don’t write anymore. Every time I tried, fear was there like its own entity, constantly telling me I am not good enough.
Even now, when I’m asked to do something new (especially involving art), my automatic reaction is, ‘You can’t do this. You aren’t good enough to do this.’
Fear is a biggie with art. It’s the reason I haven’t attempted to get any of my artwork displayed locally this year like I’d originally wanted to. It’s why I’ve never put a ton of effort into producing art to open up an online shop.
There is so much fear in me involving with motherhood that I’d have to make it a separate post just to skim the surface.
I just hate that it seems to make it’s way into every thing I love.
I am taking steps. They might be teeny tiny baby steps, but they are still progress. Last year I opened up portrait commissions, which I’d always been terrified of doing. It’s been great! This year, I’ve posted a ton of work online. I now post lots of my own work on Instagram, and here on the blog too. I am slowly making plans about opening a shop.
As for meeting people, I did actually take a chance and chat with someone who started a conversation with me at my daughter’s gymnastics class this year. She is now a really great friend, who I am completely comfortable talking to. We have a ton in common, and live literally three minutes from one another.
So really, I do have some control over fear. I can choose to do things anyway. I won’t say something all motivational like I choose to punch fear in the face. I don’t. It’s still there, all the time, floating around in my mind, making me second guess. I just do things anyway. I’ve gotten used to it, and learned to cope with that. I write it out in my journal. And now, in another baby step of not letting fear control me, I choose to write it out here.