Links to the Past

• I know Christmas is over and whatnot, but if you missed it you absolutely must looks at EPBOT’s Harry Potter themed tree. HOLY. FRICK. Amazing. I want one to leave up year round.

• IGGPPC’s blog, +5 Charisma, published this article all about codebreaker Joan Clarke. Very cool to learn more about such an amazing woman, who played such a huge role in WWII codebreaking.

• Speaking of awesome women in wars, this 93 year old British secret agent is finally accepting recognition for her heroic acts during WWII. And by heroic acts, I mean such things as parachuting into Normandy in order to obtain information to use on D-Day. Seriously amazing stuff.

• 9 things I wish people understood about anxiety is an amazing article. While directed towards people who don’t suffer from it themselves, it is a wonderful, if a bit heartbreaking, read. As something that is so close to my heart lately, I highly recommend reading through it if you struggle with anxiety yourself, or if you know someone who does.

• Felicia Day wrote a book! Which you can learn a bit about and preorder. While she seems to fall into the ‘love her or hate her’ category, I have always admired Ms. Day. She never seems to be afraid to be herself, and that is something I really respect.

• Scrawny Girl had a great article about her first year as a small business owner. As someone who plans to open an online shop this year, it was great to read such an honest account of someones first year of having one.

Discombobulation (And How I Deal)

Besides being a fun word to say, the above title is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. So bear with me on this post, which is unplanned, off the cuff, and potentially definitely going to be rambley (rambly? rambl-ey? You get the point.). But at least there are gifs.

Since last week I’ve had the sudden feeling that December/Christmas is right about the corner and I am horrifically unprepared. There are house projects I want to get done, presents to be made, blog series I need to prep, photos and photobooks to be put together, and parties to plan for. It’s all suddenly piled up (in my head). And I am. Freaking. Out.

I’ve spent the whole day so far twirling from room to room touching from project to project without ever actually getting anything done. The result is my living room and bedroom are trashed as I try and reorganize our bookshelves (we just bought a new one), the kitchen counters are full of things I need to ‘put away’, and the dishes are still piled up from this morning having not magically done themselves like I hope for on a daily basis. And everything needs vacuuming. Cue brain speak: You suck as a housewife! Your house is in shambles! Don’t you know you have parties to be prepped for in two months?!

Also, it’s supposed to snow this weekend which means my brain goes into Mommy panic mode and speaks to me like this: Congrats dimwit, you have yet to buy a winter coat or boots for your daughter yet! What are you going to do, send her out in the snow and ice in her Hello Kitty sneakers and a sweatshirt? Great parenting!

Then there are all the art/Christmas presents I’m making. Tomorrow is a new WIP Wednesday and all I can think is that I haven’t gotten much done. So should I draw?! Paint?! Sew?! All of the above at the same time?!?!? And of course, anxiety brain  must kick in: If you weren’t so slow at painting and sewing, you’d have all this done by now! And your graphite portraits should be finished by now, way to go!

I don’t consider myself an overly stressed out person. More often than not, I am a very relaxed gal who enjoys days with her little one. But every so often, things in my mind pile up like this and my brain turns into a total asshole. It tears apart any shred of self confidence I have in my abilities to get things done, and it can be quite discouraging.

Luckily, I have gotten quite good at managing jerk brain, and kicking it in the keister. My top tips?

• Take a deep breath. Or ten. I know how cliche that sounds, but when I’m in the throws of anxiety ridden stress, closing my eyes and taking a few minutes to just BREATHE really makes me feel like I can manage things.

• Make. Lists. I live by lists, but sometimes I need to break down everything and make it into list form. Checking off even the littlest thing gives me a sense of calm knowing that, yes, you are accomplishing things even if it seems like the list is endless.
• Walk away. Take a nap. Okay, I know this seems completely counter-productive, but sometimes sitting down to watch an episode of guilty pleasure on Netflix and ignoring my endless to-do list is just what I need. That hour is like a reset for my brain, and I come back ready to tackle my projects!

To sum up:

What do you do when you find yourself totally stressed out?

Blog As Therapy: Fear

Back when I started this blog, I had the intention of writing a lot of personal posts. I wanted it to be a place where I felt comfortable sharing things about me that don’t come up in day to day conversation. But here I am, a year+ later, and I still haven’t written many posts I would consider personal.

I journal almost daily. It’s a way for me to keep all the anxiety ridden, over analytical, self deprecating thoughts at bay. Writing it out helps me. Getting it down, and out of my head is so therapeutic. And I want to be able to do some of that on my blog too. But so far, fear has held me back. The idea of talking about something personal in a public forum, even behind the mask of the internet is still scary for me. I worry about how people will view my opinions, even my writing.

So I figured what better way to start off a series of personal posts than the topic of fear?

I feel like fear affects so many different parts of my life, and I feel like I have no control over it. And I hate it. It manages it to worms it’s way in and fester; spreading itself further through my mind. And in so many ways, it holds me back from things.

I consider myself a confident person. I am happy with who I am and with the life I have made. Yet I loathe meeting new people. I terrifies me. I second guess everything about myself, every word that comes out of my mouth. I constantly think about what the other person thinks of me, and how they must think I’m weird, strange, off somehow. And the worst part is, I KNOW it’s completely irrational. And illogical. It’s like I’m two different people. Part of me knows that A: They probably aren’t thinking anything negative at all, and B: Why the fuck do I care if they are? I’m happy with me, that’s what counts! But fear overrides that. It just smashes the logic down into the depths, and hops in the drivers seat of my psyche. Which is incredibly frustrating.

And it isn’t just meeting new people.

It’s the reason I don’t write anymore. Every time I tried, fear was there like its own entity, constantly telling me I am not good enough.

Even now, when I’m asked to do something new (especially involving art), my automatic reaction is, ‘You can’t do this. You aren’t good enough to do this.’

Fear is a biggie with art. It’s the reason I haven’t attempted to get any of my artwork displayed locally this year like I’d originally wanted to. It’s why I’ve never put a ton of effort into producing art to open up an online shop.

There is so much fear in me involving with motherhood that I’d have to make it a separate post just to skim the surface.

I just hate that it seems to make it’s way into every thing I love.

But.

I am taking steps. They might be teeny tiny baby steps, but they are still progress. Last year I opened up portrait commissions, which I’d always been terrified of doing. It’s been great! This year, I’ve posted a ton of work online. I now post lots of my own work on Instagram, and here on the blog too. I am slowly making plans about opening a shop.

Baby steps.

As for meeting people, I did actually take a chance and chat with someone who started a conversation with me at my daughter’s gymnastics class this year. She is now a really great friend, who I am completely comfortable talking to. We have a ton in common, and live literally three minutes from one another.

Baby steps.

So really, I do have some control over fear. I can choose to do things anyway. I won’t say something all motivational like I choose to punch fear in the face. I don’t. It’s still there, all the time, floating around in my mind, making me second guess. I just do things anyway. I’ve gotten used to it, and learned to cope with that. I write it out in my journal. And now, in another baby step of not letting fear control me, I choose to write it out here.